Mar
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IMDB rating: 5.40 Plot: A 19th century vampire stalks a more powerful vampire lord in his quest to gain revenge over the death of his mistress. In his search for the vampire lord in Eastern Europe he kills many of his servants and fellow vampires while cursing another to vampirism as well. |
Actors: Gunn David,Dinvale Mihai,Condurache Dan,Niculescu Mihai,Morris Jonathon,Nitu Gelu,Sofron Cosmin,Horror,
What do you think about this bit of prose I wrote (vampire story)?
A tall, thin, blond woman was lying on the operating table. Two pints of blood had been transfused into her already. A nurse had just attached a third pint of whole blood to a catheter that fed into a large blood vessel in her thigh.
She had been hit by a car. A policeman had explained the accident to the ER staff, and the nurse told Dr. Schweinkopf the details.
Witnesses told the police that the woman wearing a jogging suit had run at full speed out into morning rush hour traffic. It was the act of a crazy person. She caused a series of collisions as cars braked and slid into one another. She might have been fleeing something or somebody. She had made it across three lanes of a major street, but then got hit by a Japanese sports car going at least fifty miles per hour. She had no identification on her. The police wanted to talk to her if possible.
The doctor could see that she had suffered massive injuries. She had a deep gash in the center of her face right next to her nose. He looked at the set of x-rays. Her left collarbone and upper left arm bone, the humerus, were shattered. She had six broken ribs. Scariest of all, she had two fractured cervical vertebrae. Her right leg was broken. She had dozens of cuts on her arm and shoulder, some still had little pieces of windshield glass stuck in them. Oddly, her cuts were hardly bleeding.
The doctor checked her vital signs. Her vital signs had stabilized, but the chart of her vital signs when she was admitted to the ER was disturbing. Her body temperature and blood pressure had been impossibly low. The doctor was irritated; obviously the blood pressure monitoring device had not been working correctly. Nobody could have blood pressure that low and still be alive.
He looked at her cranial x-rays. There was also a massive wound to the back of her head. Something had pierced the back of the woman’s skull and entered her brain quite deeply. From the looks of the wound to her face, it seemed as if something might have completed transfixed the womans’ head. But that was impossible. Such a wound would have killed any person.
A neurosurgeon was on his way to the hospital. The woman should be dead, but she was still breathing and her heart was puming at over thirty beats per minute. Soon the doctor would have a colleague available to verify the medical miracle that lay on the operating table in front of him. There was no possible explanation for her survival from such terrible injuries.
He checked the lab’s analysis of the blood that had been taken from her when she was admitted. There were no drugs of alcohol. Then he saw it – the key to the mystery. The woman’s blood had a super-abundance of free pluripotent stem cells.
Dr. Schweinkopf had recently read about the phenomenon of free floating stem cells in a medical journal. The journal had reported that free floating stem cells occurred in the blood of persons afflicted by third stage vampirism.
He had turned away from the patient to read the blood report. He heard a rustling noise behind him, and spun quickly around.
The blond woman was sitting up on the operating table, her eyes were open, and she was looking at him.
I am going to be VERY picky but i think thats what you wanted so here ya go
A tall, thin, blond woman was lying on the operating table. Two pints of blood had been transfused into her already. A nurse had just attached a third pint of whole blood to a catheter that fed into a large blood vessel in her thigh.
***this wasnt too bad, I would change the word tall to something like long because if she’s laying down she isnt tall, if that makes any sense lol. also, i would change the second period to a comma***
She had been hit by a car. A policeman had explained the accident to the ER staff, and the nurse told Dr. Schweinkopf the details.
***I don’t know what age group you are going for, but I think that you should describe her wounds, it will give a better picture***
Witnesses told the police that the woman wearing a jogging suit had run at full speed out into morning rush hour traffic. It was the act of a crazy person. She caused a series of collisions as cars braked and slid into one another. She might have been fleeing something or somebody. She had made it across three lanes of a major street, but then got hit by a Japanese sports car going at least fifty miles per hour. She had no identification on her. The police wanted to talk to her if possible.
***I don’t think you should describe the jogging suit by witnesses saying it, it would still have been on when the cops found her right? so why would the witnesses need to tell them that. I would also describe that in the first paragraph so you don’t have to backtrack on the description of her. I wouldn’t say "crazy person", seems a bit cheesy. instead of major street I would put major intersection, major highway, the I-85 or something to get a better picture. For the collisions I would describe the scene, like what the cops saw instead of telling it blandly. How the crap do they know the car was going at least 50 MPH? I would just put speeding or something, then I would blend the last two sentences together***
The doctor could see that she had suffered massive injuries. She had a deep gash in the center of her face right next to her nose. He looked at the set of x-rays. Her left collarbone and upper left arm bone, the humerus, were shattered. She had six broken ribs. Scariest of all, she had two fractured cervical vertebrae. Her right leg was broken. She had dozens of cuts on her arm and shoulder, some still had little pieces of windshield glass stuck in them. Oddly, her cuts were hardly bleeding.
***lol, sorry i didnt see this part, I would just copy and paste this part to a bit earlier because it feels like you flipping back and forth a little bit. sorry again lol my bad. I would also maybe get a little more creative here in describing her injuries***
The doctor checked her vital signs. Her vital signs had stabilized, but the chart of her vital signs when she was admitted to the ER was disturbing. Her body temperature and blood pressure had been impossibly low. The doctor was irritated; obviously the blood pressure monitoring device had not been working correctly. Nobody could have blood pressure that low and still be alive.
***I really like where your going with this paragraph, the right words and it could really be powerful, its where you basically find out something is not right, you need to make it pop a bit more, make the reader feel uneasy***
He looked at her cranial x-rays. There was also a massive wound to the back of her head. Something had pierced the back of the woman’s skull and entered her brain quite deeply. From the looks of the wound to her face, it seemed as if something might have completed transfixed the womans’ head. But that was impossible. Such a wound would have killed any person.
**I think you’re going a bit far, its getting a little cheesy here***
A neurosurgeon was on his way to the hospital. The woman should be dead, but she was still breathing and her heart was puming at over thirty beats per minute. Soon the doctor would have a colleague available to verify the medical miracle that lay on the operating table in front of him. There was no possible explanation for her survival from such terrible injuries.
***I would probably try to shorten this part up a bit, if not take it out all together***
He checked the lab’s analysis of the blood that had been taken from her when she was admitted. There were no drugs of alcohol. Then he saw it – the key to the mystery. The woman’s blood had a super-abundance of free pluripotent stem cells.
***I like where you’re going***
Dr. Schweinkopf had recently read about the phenomenon of free floating stem cells in a medical journal. The journal had reported that free floating stem cells occurred in the blood of persons afflicted by third stage vampirism.
He had turned away from the patient to read the blood report. He heard a rustling noise behind him, and spun quickly around.
The blond woman was sitting up on the operating table, her eyes wer
tom | Jan 12, 2010
I like it. Keep writing.
? | Jan 12, 2010
Honestly, I think vampires are overrated.
amandaddddddd | Jan 12, 2010
I agree about vampires being overrated, as well as overused, but I like your story so far. I would definitely keep writing, as long as you have something that sets it apart and above the usual vampire story these days it will turn out just fine.
Jinx | Jan 12, 2010
its really good! i reckon you could make something of that! however the ‘third stage of vampirism’ thing is…odd. how many medical journals deal with vampires?
M | Jan 12, 2010
I don’t care what other people say, I love your story.
Do with it what you want, and go for it.
Don’t let other people’s opinion’s and views keep you down.
TruthSerum | Jan 12, 2010
